The Human Centipede (2009)

I've finally got a copy of The Human Centipede from Netflix and I ask myself Why the hell didn't I buy this film? 2010 hasn't exactly been great for horror movies. We got a couple remakes some good others horrible and we got some films that stand out. Not many though. The Human Centipede is a film I've been following since I heard about it and I've been waiting for the day when I get to see it.


 The plot is simple and easy to follow as two hot ass American's traveling Europe alone decide to take up an offer from a waiter to come to a party. You know these women have no sense of direction so what happens they get lost in the middle of the woods. To make matters worse they have a flat tire now! Now their running through the woods looking for somebody. Sorry to say this but you should have stayed at the car. So they stumble upon the Dr. Frankenstein of 21st Century, who has this genius idea to join three humans Ass to Mouth. No not the sex move, PERVERTS! BUT LITERALLY JOIN THEM ASS TO MOUTH. Why? I don't know but I like it.
 I love these sick, disturbing films that really are just made to sicken people. This is truly a film that if you don't get grossed out at some point in this film then get your brains checked. I would disagree that this film is nowhere close to the effect of French films like Inside and Frontiers but I will give it the most disturbing film of the year 2010. Not only does this film sicken you it also grabs you by the core and slowly turns you into the centipede.
You have these two beautiful women on screen babbling for a good 10 minutes about God knows what and what really grabs you is their acting. At some points, you almost feel like this is happening to them for real. I had to check the Bonus features just to make sure this wasn't some sick game. Their acting was amazing for an indie flick, plus the jaw dropping effects that take place. I do believe my jaw was slightly open the entire movie after the first 15 or 20 minutes.
This is not your typical date night horror movie nor is it the film you want to be watching with your parents or young children. This is a balls deep, in your face, horror film that really deserves more attention from die hard fans. If you liked Inside, Frontiers, and Martyrs then you will like The Human Centipede. It's worth at least a watch to everybody but this is one DVD that is entering my collection this weekend. I give it 8 1/2 Stars bump it up to nine for the jaw dropping effect it had on me.

The Last Exorcism (2010)

How to satisfactorily review a film such as The Last Exorcism – a flick whose eventual box office take will rely upon the lack of narrative knowledge an audience experiencing it will possess going in - without exposing the man behind the curtain? "Carefully" would be the answer, and given such, this brief stab will be as spoiler-free as journalistically possible.


Opening August 27th, 2010, via Lionsgate and directed by German filmmaker Daniel Stramm from a script by Huck Botko and Andrew Gurland, The Last Exorcism is an Eli Roth-produced based psycho-drama "documentary" that revolves around Cotton Marcus (Fabian), a morally questionable Evangelical preacher and faux exorcist who allows a documentary crew to accompany him on what may be his last exorcism. Regarding the narrative there isn’t much more I can reveal, except to say that things aren’t necessarily what they seem in the rural Sweetzer farmhouse, where following a string of livestock mutilations Sweetzer patriarch Louis (Herthum) finds himself convinced that the culprit is none other than his emotionally-tortured daughter Nell (terrific actress Ashley Bell), whom he believes to be possessed.
The film’s suspense relies upon - as does The Last Exorcism’s thematic brethren The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, among others – the construct of "found footage" and the fear of what may be lurking just out of frame as the camera bounces and careens and teases, and if you favor that particular sub-genre of horror, then an impressive ride is waiting for you this summer. An inherent problem with these films - in this writer’s humble opinion - is the challenge of maintaining one’s own suspension of disbelief. Simply put, the question of when those "documenting" would forgo their own filmic aspirations purely for matters of self-preservation is a delicate hurdle, and just as Blair Witch occasionally strained credulity, The Last Exorcism occasionally plays in that fast lane as well. This is a narrative challenge inherent to the sub-category, however, and thankfully for The Last Exorcism, the complicated motivations of its well-drawn protagonist Cotton elevate the flick from simply being a bump in the night-vision type feature.
Star Patrick Fabian shines here, and while a lesser actor may have delivered a simply despicable character given the morally questionable aspects of Cotton, Fabian delivers a lovable rogue. Organic in his comedic moments and tangibly conflicted not only by his own wavering moral turpitude but in his theological beliefs (the very foundation of his upbringing), Cotton comes across as a three-dimensional and flawed yet caring man, who consistently walks a fine line between bravura and outright terror as he attempts to save not only Nell but his own soul in the process.
The flick also takes an intelligent and unique approach to its subject matter, delivering a religious and socio-economically thoughtful film and, in doing so, not only managed to immerse the audience in a believable universe but also to keep them off-kilter and guessing for the majority of the flick’s running time. Director Stramm proves himself with this deft approach and strikes a nice cinematic balance, delivering hair-raising chills (regardless of the PG-13 rating the film garnered) while at the same time eliciting downright empathy for the plight of his characters. Actress Bell no doubt assists greatly in this, as her many shifts from girlish vulnerability to calculating evil – whether they stem from demonic possession or mental trauma I won’t reveal – are a nice addition to the canon established by Linda Blair in William Friedkin’s The Exorcist.
The bottom line? Audiences should make a concerted effort to remain as in the dark as possible concerning all things The Last Exorcism until the film opens on August 27th, when they’ll have a chance to experience this enjoyable little scare-fest for themselves. I predict a healthy box office for this one, and while fans of classic horror cinema may find the flick’s final scene a tad too familiar, general audiences will most likely leave gasping.

All is Normal (2006)

There are films where the less said about them, the better. These films are like delicate blooms constructed of intricate petals. Laying a physical finger on them would cause irreparable damage, and thus the display would be tainted for all who look after. It is a violation. All is Normal lays itself out for desecration in the hands of unwieldy reviewers who use words like pruning shears to cut away the layers of mystery at its center. Yet, when we hack away all that is shading the true beauty within, doesn’t the color fade from the flower in the full glaring sun? Will it not wilt and die? It will. I assure you. All is Normal’s promise lies within its tightly wrapped petals. Time and patience must be given while watching the film. This is a slow bloom, taking a while to develop, for the process it must follow is complicated.



A beautiful young woman feels trapped within a hideous relationship with a controlling, abusive boyfriend. She sees solace from an abuse counselor who sets her up with a job watching an isolated house that is being put up for sale. No one will know where she is. Away from everyone, she will have nothing but her thoughts to keep her safe.
But given the hell she just emerged from, how safe are her thoughts?
And that is it. No more must be said. The journey the movie goes on is an exquisite trip down a road film rarely ever takes: constraint. Hitchcock would be proud to see that subtlety lives on in modern cinema. This is an exercise in quiet. The hush that falls over it allows any and all approaching footsteps to be heard even more distinctly, and it is then, when the reeds move, that we begin to feel unsafe. The almighty human predators become the prey.
At the center of all of this is Juliana Brafa as the young woman. Her big bright eyes and dark hair make her a stunning leading lady, but it is the effortless way she can fall into ever deepening states of panic, paranoia, and terror that lure us in to the innermost portions of Normal’s world. When Juliana reacts, she grabs the audience’s attention by the hand and drags them down with her. It is a great achievement, one that any Hollywood actress would love to be able to do and any Hollywood director would kill to have at his disposal.
Brafa co-wrote and co-directed the film with Todd Bieber. The two use an interesting color palette in the film. Visual cues are given as the film progresses. It is Kubrickian in use and artistically screams Argento. Again we compare to two more modern masters of restraint, whom Bieber and Brafa seem to have channeled. A painstaking amount of thought went into the functionality of the colors, and it pays off. Even if most people do not consciously notice it, it will still affect the way the movie plays out for them.
Alongside Brafa in the film is actor Duane Wallace as the controlling boyfriend. His performance is so pitch perfect, it is chilling to watch. There is no acting here. He IS this man. I have seen a lot of similar types of characters in films, each with varying degrees of success. Wallace is not just successful, he is brilliantly so. Never before in any other film have I seen it done so effortlessly. He sets a standard here that is as impressive as it is imposing.
Linda Blair pops in as the counselor. It is a short part and distinctly different from the roles into which Blair is usually pigeonholed. She is serviceable but seems a bit lackluster next to Brafa and Wallace. It does not injure the film, but it does glare into its brilliance a bit.
I love a movie that has a clever way of explaining its title. The moniker that labels a piece of art is not something to be taken lightly, and may hellfire rain down on those who just throw something inane up onto a film because it sounds cool (Gothika?). Thankfully, All is Normal sidesteps this pitfall. The title of the film is key to the central story at work here. Yet, for some reason Bieber and Brafa have made the choice to have it pointed out in a glaring voiceover. It really does the film a great disservice. For something so still, having the waters broken, by even the tiniest pebble, creates ripples.
Watch All is Normal as you would look at a garden in the spring. Look at all the promise that is sprouting up around you. Each new thing you see harkens to something even better to come. We can get lost in all the green surrounding us. It is a cool and comforting place to be, and we can get lulled into serenity by it. But beware; the longer you stay in this garden, the more it opens up. The green soon gives way. The sprouts form thorns, and in the end the red blossom shows its true form.
Shocking. Beautiful. Terrifying. You cannot look away.

Kidnapped (2011)

Kidnapped (aka Secuestrados) is a brutal, nihilistic home invasion tale from Spain, directed by Miguel Ángel Vivas. Going in, I didn’t know much about the film and had only heard whisperings about its brutality and shock value. It certainly lived up to what little I had heard about it in regards to its violent atmosphere, but the story left a little to be desired as we’ve seen it all before.
A family consisting of father Jaime (Fernando Cayo), mother Marta (Ana Wagener) and teenage daughter Isa (Manuela Vellés) has just moved into their beautiful new home. Their first night there, three masked intruders burst in and take them all hostage. Jaime is taken by the leader of the group to withdraw cash from ATMs in the nearby city, while Marta and Isa are terrorized by the two remaining goons. The family soon decides to fight back, with dire consequences.
Don’t get me wrong, this is an extremely well-made movie that has oodles of tension, but for one reason or another I’m on the fence with this one. I didn’t hate it and I didn’t love it, I’m just kind of ambivalent towards it. If I had to just use one word to sum up my thoughts on the film, it would be “meh”.
Though the direction, cinematography and acting were all decent, the story is just lacking. It’s the same storyline I’ve seen so many times that I feel like I’ve become desensitized to it. Are horrific acts perpetrated on the victims? Yes. Is it brutal? Yes. Do the victims turn the tables and fight back? Yes. It was just all so familiar that I just zoned out a bit watching this. The only surprise came with the nihilist ending, which may be unsatisfying for some viewers. I, however, enjoyed the ending as it was pretty much the only thing that went against the grain of the standard “home invasion” horror film.
Besides the story that could have used a bit more creativity, sometimes the pacing was off as well. I enjoyed how the film kicked things off right away (after gratefully interrupting an annoying family squabble), but when the villain takes the father out to withdraw money from ATMs (really? all they wanted was money?) the action stagnates a bit. I heard a rumor that the film was filmed in just 12 shots. However, I cannot confirm or deny this since I learned of it after watching the film. This would explain some of the scenes that seem to drag on and on, as well as some very long shots that also draw out the pacing.
However, when the action does come on screen, it definitely delivers. Which ultimately led to another problem with the film…the pacing and tone are never consistent and while this jarring difference between quiet, intimate moments and loud, action sequences kept drawing me back into the film, it never felt like it quite clicked. Most of the time it felt like two different films – one is a drama about a dysfunctional family and the other is a hyperviolent look at a home invasion gone wrong. I guess this goes back to the pacing issues, but, again, the film didn’t seem to flow correctly.
Additionally, the film keeps getting more and more violent as it progresses, which may ultimately please some horror fans on just how brutal the action gets. The double-whammy of the ending actually made me mutter “whoa”, but I don’t think it made up for the film’s other issues. Still, I could go both ways on the film. I certainly don’t loathe it, but I probably won’t watch it again and after a few months I’ll probably forget I saw it. Again, meh.